I've Been Keeping a Secret...

So, I've been keeping a bit of a secret from a lot of you. Glenn and I started our new IVF cycle LAST Saturday. I didn't want to make a big deal of it in case things didn't go the way they were supposed to (i.e. like the last attempt). However, we got EXCELLENT news yesterday! My estrogen level has gone from 15 to 40 to 182! I've got several follicles growing, almost large enough for them to measure (they usually have to be around 10mm before they measure). The ultrasound lady's exact words were, "You are about to bloom!"

We went ahead and continued with our preop appointment and I go back on Sunday to monitor and see what's happening in there. I am cautiously excited! I don't want to get my hopes up too high. I told Glenn sometimes I wish we HAD made it through the last cycle and it just didn't work because then I wouldn't be constantly comparing everything to that. I was too excited after hearing my news yesterday that I told several people so the cat is pretty much out of the bag. I would appreciate any and all prayers for another GREAT appointment tomorrow. I keep thanking God every night for what he's doing and I just hope this is finally the right time for our family.

I've also been doing acupuncture. I went twice this week and I will go twice after my transfer. Apparently it's supposed to increase your chances of a successful IVF. I REALLY, REALLY enjoy it. Yesterday I fell asleep. You would think if you had all these pins (or needles.. not sure what to call them) sticking out of you it would be difficult to relax, but totally NOT the case. If you are looking for a new way to help with stress or pain, I'm tellin' you... give it a try!

I feel pretty okay... just really tired by the end of the day. My sides are hurting a little bit and my back, but I hear that's normal. If it means my ovaries are producing possible babies, bring it. I can handle it. I've been told it could be more uncomfortable the further we get into the process. I've stopping running and am probably going to stick with walking. I woke up this morning with the full intention of going to the gym, but that didn't happen. Jessie and I are going to go walk downtown later today.

On a much sadder note, my Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer about a week and a half ago. Everything has happened so suddenly. They think it's pancreatic cancer, but they do know it has spread. I've been going to visit him and Nana frequently. Poor Nana has some health problems as well, such as dementia. Last Saturday she forgot I was married (she thought Glenn was my brother... Now, THAT would be awkward), and when I told her, she claimed no one had told her. So I brought her a picture of our wedding day, a picture SHE was in, and she was so tickled. She said she was going to treasure it and would not let go of it.

Grandpa is home and he's slow and sleeps a lot. BUT, he sure has his appetite. Last night he asked for some ziti AND pizza! And Glenn's mom would nice enough to make him a pound cake (his favorite). He's excited about that. My mom has been going through their papers, trying to get things organized and she came across letters my Nana saved from when Grandpa was in World War 2. She let us (my cousins are here for the weekend) read them last night. Talk about COOL. Grandpa doesn't talk much about the war in his letters, but he's always giving Nana a hard time about not having to work and taking mini vacations. :) It was neat to have a sneak peak into their lives way before any of us were even a thought.

Yesterday I was asked how I feel about Grandpa being sick. I am sad, but I feel in my heart that him and Nana are ready to be somewhere together where neither one of them hurts. They aren't themselves. Nana doesn't remember much and seems sad. I know Heaven will be a place for them where they can do all the things they haven't been able to do these past few years. And I'm sure Grandpa will be the one up there telling God what to do. They are both in their 90s and have been married for 65 years. They've been through so much.. and are such amazing people. I love them very much.

So, I would appreciate a lot of prayers, if you don't mind. Prayers that things continue to go well for our IVF cycle. Prayers that my Grandpa and Nana aren't in much pain. Prayers of strength for my Mom who has been working very hard to take care of them.

It's Been Awhile...

But I'm still here! Not too much has been going on lately (as far as the IVF stuff). I've just been truckin' along, taking my hormones(no weird side effects yet.. like a beard, as my student teacher will tease me about)! I added in the last one last Tuesday so I'll finish this cycle up and see what happens. So far, I've been feeling pretty good! I definitely feel like I have more energy and I think that's because my levels were SO low before. One morning this week, I was wide awake by 4:30 and didn't stop till 10pm that night. WAY unlike me!! I promised myself I wouldn't worry during this lull -- no more obsessing over what should happen, when it should happen, what if it doesn't happen. I'm just livin' and enjoyin' the day as it comes. It's amazing what letting go of that stress and worry does for a person! It's taken me a LONG time to realize it, but it WILL happen in God's time.

My sister, Glenn, and I have been going to church together these past few Sundays. Glenn goes when he can (sometimes he has to work). You know sometimes you go and listen to the sermon and it just SPEAKS to you? Well, that happened today. Our sermon was about the times when something bad may happen and we ask ourselves what we did to God to make him angry. I ask myself this a lot ... "Why is God making this so hard? What did I do to make him so mad at me?" And you start to question all those things you've done in your past. I've even had this conversation with a good friend and she tried to explain to me that God doesn't do things out of spite. He doesn't make bad things happen to punish us. I listened to her try to explain that to me, but deep down, I wasn't convinced. That was awhile ago and I haven't brought it up to many others since then.

But in today's sermon, our pastor talked about how God has a patient love for us. He keeps giving us chances to life the life he wants us to live, even if we keep making mistakes. He forgives us. And he will test us, but he will not give us more than we can handle and he will provide a way out for us so we are able to withstand and endure those challenges. It just really hit home a lot of the feelings that have been jumbling up inside me. It was one of those LIGHTBULB moments I always see when I'm teaching something to my kids.

Of course, I sent a text to my good friend right after church to tell her all about it. It was just what I needed to hear. Like I mentioned earlier, I am really trying to just relax this month. I feel like a happier person. I've been able to go to some of my students' extracurricular activities and see those cuties outside of school and that has been fun. They always look so much smaller in the "real world." One of those cuties came up to me on Friday, gave me a big hug, and goes, "Mrs. Kellett, I love coming to school because it's so fun." Every teacher's dream right there.. totally melted my heart. And if you knew this little boy, you would understand why it meant so much.

I know I say this on like, every post, but I do appreciate all your comments, prayers, gestures, etc. I don't know how many people really read this, but yesterday, I had several people who I don't see on a regular basis say that they keep up with this thing and are praying for me. It really means a lot. I know this may sound silly, but I feel like your love and support has really helped me get through this month and just feel at peace with everything that has happened. It has helped give me a new sense of hope of things to come, whatever they may be. So thank you!

That's about it for now.. one last thing I also want to share is a forward I received from another friend. She said as soon as she read it, she thought of me. I printed it out and have it close by as a reminder, whenever I need it. :)

Learning to Wait:
Learning to wait on God demands at least three things of us. First, we must be sensitive to Him. That is, we must nurture our relationship with the Father so we can hear Him when He says “Wait.” Second, we must trust His judgment. Does God know more than we do? Yes. Then we should trust Him. Third, we must be obedient to Him. If we try to make something happen on our own after God tells us to wait, then we’re heading for disaster. The Lord blesses obedience—even obedient waiting.

God doesn’t operate in a vacuum; He works within His relationship with you, on the basis of His omniscience, omnipotence, and love. Never forget He’s actively walking with you, even when He withholds an answer to prayer. It doesn’t mean He’s not there; it means He’s looking out for you even more.

Birthday

What could have easily turned into a long, difficult week ended up being one of the best weeks I've had in awhile! AND, it was capped off by my birthday! I had an amazing time celebrating with my friends, students, and family yesterday. They really know how to make a girl feel special! :) It's really fun being able to celebrate with 24 second graders because I think they were even more excited than I was!! I got way TOO MUCH from them and their sweet families. I told them I was going to buy more shoes and they all groaned.

God seems to know what we need, when we need it. Not only did I have an amazing birthday, but I got not one, but TWO, very special reminders of why I love my job so much. I got 2 very heartwarming emails from families of past students. I hope they don't mind me sharing (I won't mention names), but it helped remind me that I am making a difference in these children lives. Their words were so touching and literally left me in tears. One of those sweet babies came to visit me yesterday and I told her... even though she has moved up, she will always be one of "mine." I love my job!

I started the hormone stuff on Monday... ran into my doctor at the gym on Wednesday. He was very, very nice and encouraging and told me (not everyone at the gym needs to know my business, right?) he is very confident that this will work. I told him I believe him and if I didn't, I wouldn't be sticking around! We chatted for a little bit more. And we ended with a "see you soon!" Hopefully it won't be long till I am in and out of his office every few days.

Until then, after a long conversation with a good friend, I decided this was my month to "let loose" and chill out a little. I've got to learn that even though I am a huge planner, I do not have control of everything. AND, as my Dad would say... "Stop being so uptight." So, you guys will probably roll your eyes and laugh, but I tried this week by making little steps. I still want to try to work out (um, hello, I can't afford to buy bigger clothes when fertility meds cost a bazillion dollars), but I have been cutting back on my time and intensity. I also ate Mexican food this week and DID NOT WORRY ABOUT WORKING OUT AFTER. I ate it and enjoyed it (y'all who know me, KNOW this is huge since I worry about everything!). AND THEN, last night, I told Mom I didn't want a birthday cake. I was really craving cookies from this small bakery near our house. I totally ate 3 of them.. yep, didn't even think twice. And boy, they were delicious. Totally worth it. In fact, she sent some home with me and I might even eat another one today!

I feel like such a rebel. Mom told me I need to drink more wine, but unfortunately I cannot mix that with some of the meds I am already taking. But I have some Crystal Light Margarita Mix so maybe that will count?! I can pretend.

No school today so I'm going to hang out with a friend from school. I'm looking forward to some "girl time." And then tonight I get to come home and CLEAN since my house is a disaster. Totally NOT fun. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!

Postponed

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their sweet text messages, Facebook messages, phone calls, cards, emails, etc. You guys are all incredibly thoughtful and it means the world to me. I apologize for not responding to all of them, but please know that I did read them all. I just needed some time to process everything. I’m in a much better place today than I was on Sunday.

Our IVF cycle was cancelled Sunday afternoon. My estrogen levels were not going up like they should have been. The doctor I spoke with told me it would be best to just cancel that day and look into doing a month of hormone supplements. Of course I was devastated, but I think I knew going in that morning that something wasn’t right. It’s strange to have another doctor end everything and then to be left hanging.. wondering what is going to happen next. My sister got me out of the house later that afternoon and we went for a run. It was nice because she didn’t ask me anything about what had happened (I told her upfront I wasn’t ready to talk about it), but she told me all about her weekend activities. Finally I felt comfortable enough to try to talk about it and she just listened. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her just being there. J

By the time I got home, Glenn was home from work. We sat down and talked about what we thought our next step should be. I was very conflicted – I wasn’t sure if this was some kind of sign that we just needed to stop and pursue adoption. I asked Glenn what he felt God was saying and he told me this, “I feel like this is God’s way of saying the time isn’t right. This is not him saying, ‘no.’ He is just postponing it.” I asked him why he felt so strongly about this, and he said he feels like his Dad is trying to tell him this (his dad passed away several years ago). We thought we’d wait and see what our doctor had to say before making a final decision.

Monday morning felt like a daze, but I made it to work! I’m glad I did. It definitely gave me something else to think about and it’s very hard to be sad when you’ve got 24 sweet children smiling at you and telling you all about their weekends and counting on you to get them through the day!

Our doctor must have called as soon as he got in that morning because it was around 8:30. I knew I couldn’t handle talking to him at that moment so I let it go to voicemail. He was very nice and I could hear the concern in his voice. Again, I really do like him! He told me because of the birth control I took prior to this cycle AND the birth control I took with the LAST failed IUI cycle, my ovaries were suppressed TOO much and were not able to produce enough estrogen. If you’re estrogen isn’t going up, your follicles will not grow. Mine just weren’t budging. He told us this was nothing we did wrong, and it was something he would not even have predicted to happen. In fact, he told me he had never seen someone’s ovaries so suppressed before (leave it to my body to be stubborn, right? Stubbornness comes from my Dad). He said he wasn’t willing to give up and to give him a call ASAP if we were willing to try again.

Well, DUH. Of course I called him back as soon as I listened to his message. I talked to the nurse and she gave me a basic run down of what he told her about his “new plan.” Apparently they were going to take my “case” to their weekly doctors’ meeting and see what other feedback they could get. These people are ALL going to know me by name now, haha. She told me she would call either later today or Wednesday (after their meeting) to give me directions and a new calendar. I assumed I wouldn’t hear anything until later this week…

Well, I checked my phone at the end of the day and realized they had called back within an hour of getting off the phone with them! New plan in place… I’m starting a month of hormone supplements (to get back what my body isn’t producing). After my levels get back to where they should be, I’m good to go. I’ve got an estrogen patch, progesterone pills (to take midway through this cycle), and testosterone cream (I was assured I would NOT start growing a beard or huge muscles.. trust me, I asked. It’s “a very little amount” the nurse told me, as she laughed her head off.

So, here goes. This month wasn’t our month, but I am very hopeful that next month may be it. That hope is back and I do not feel so defeated. I was able to talk with Mom today and she agrees with Glenn – this is just not the right now. I may not see the reason now, but it will eventually make sense. Maybe one of my students will need me this month? Maybe something will happen with my Nana? We will have to see. But I am certain that God has big plans for us, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more certain about that. He is just taking his time to make that perfect baby for us – whether it IS biological or through adoption. I know Glenn and I will be parents… when God is ready. I just have to trust in Him.

And Glenn will probably be embarrassed I even brought this up to all of you, but he has been wonderful. I can’t imagine being married to anyone else. Through all of this, I feel like our marriage has just gotten stronger and I love him more every day. Even though he does leave his dirty dishes all around the house, I am glad that God put us together to take this journey. I know he is going to be an amazing Daddy and I cannot wait to see him take on that role. Of course, we may have to have a Baby 101 first. J

I love y’all.

Should I Be Worried?

I had another appointment this morning. My follicles are still too small to measure which worries me. Last time, at this point, it seemed they were growing rather quickly. I understand this is completely different than the IUI I did last Fall, but that fear is still there. Is my body not responding to the medicines like it should? I'm waiting for the doctor to call back with my lab results... I went in at 8 this morning and I've been on edge since. My usual doctor wasn't on call this weekend so it'll be a different doctor that will call with information and directions for medicines tonight.

I had my preop appointment on Friday and my doctor stayed in the room while we did our ultrasound and he didn't seem worried. And when the nurse called back that day, she didn't seem worried either. I guess I just figured my biggest let-down would be if we didn't get pregnant from this... but what if I don't even make it to egg retrevial and transfer?

My doctor keeps assuring me he wants to go slow since I'm at a high risk for OHSS (ovary overstimulation). I'm just such a big worrier. Because of insurance, we will probably only have one chance at this. And it's hard to explain all the feelings and emotions that go into infertility... Half the time I keep everything bottled up inside because it makes ME feel like I'm some sort of failure.

I keep telling myself God has a plan. I need to trust him and his timing. I've cleaned, baked cookies, done laundry.. all since I've gotten home to stay busy. I just need to try to relax until I talk to the doctor. Whew.

Day 5

Today was ultrasound day! I love those days because you can really see what's going on. Not too much today. They said I have lots of follicles in there, but they are still relatively small, which is normal this early. My estrogen needed a boost so I had to start with another medicine last night. This one is just an estrogen patch that I change out every 3 days. It's teeny tiny, but that little booger worked. It went from under 10 yesterday to 38 this morning.
 
They did up my meds for tonight though! This is where things start getting a little crazy. This is the dose they upped me to with my last IUI attempt. A few days at this dosage and things just started growing like crazy! I have my next appointment on Friday morning and I cannot wait!! Glenn is off work so he'll be able to come too. I have a hard time seeing the monitor during the ultrasound (I can't see far away and I don't wear my glasses in there because that's just weird) so he's in charge of figuring out what is being measured and how many follicles are there.
 
Last night I was laying in bed and it was so strange... My body just feels so weird! I know it's all the hormones and medicines I'm taking. Nothing hurts too bad... just some stomach craps and lower back pain every now and then, but I can't explain it. Glenn just laughed at me... Oh men. They just don't understand. ;)
 
Speaking of weird, I went to the gym today because I've been trying to do SOMETHING while I still can. I had just gotten off the phone with the people from pre-op and who should I see parked right behind me at the gym, getting out of his car? But my doctor! I didn't see him at my appointment this morning, but he told me he saw my ultrasound pictures and everything looked good. We chatted about things for a bit, like I was sitting in his office! Too funny! I really like him though... He is one of those doctors that really seems to care about his patients. Glenn would have been so embarrassed though. He thinks I shouldn't speak health stuff with him at the gym, BUT the doctor brought it up!
 
On another side note... how about it finally clicked that this is really happening while I answered some questions for the pre-op people (I'm sure they have an official name, but I don't really know what it is). They asked some simple questions, but then they asked if I had a will, who would make decisions on my behalf if something happened, etc. Yikes! I know it's all routine questions, but wow. They want someone waiting for me in the waiting room (duh, Glenn HAS to come), and told me I need someone to drive me home because of course I would want to drive myself home, right?
 
I'm just so full of excitement!! As of now, the retrieval is still planned for Valentine's Day, but they keep telling me it could change. Valentine's Day AND my birthday... I'll have to ask them to light some candles and play some romantic music... set the mood a little?
 
Thank you for all your sweet comments, prayers, hugs, etc. I appreciate you guys asking and checking on me throughout the week!

Today is the Day!

Today is the OFFICIAL first day of IVF meds and I couldn't be more excited! I know that's kinda weird to think about... excited about shots?!

I went for my baseline ultrasound and labs Tuesday. My labs came back normal, but there was a slight issue on the ultrasound. They wanted me to wait a few days and call them back to see what to do. So, yesterday morning I called the nurse and bless her (she knows how I worry), says "I'm going to throw you a curve ball. I need you come in this morning as soon as you can." Yikes!! Luckily, it worked out so I was able to get there for ANOTHER round of labs and an ultrasound. I'm such a planner, and it really did throw me for a loop. I was nervous I was going to have to wait a few more days to actually start with the meds, which would have been TOTALLY okay. Glenn and I agreed that we've waited this long.. waiting a few more days for the "perfect conditions" is better than rushing it.

I can tell my hormones are wacky though because I had a total meltdown on the way to the doctor, talking to my mom! I think I'm just overly sensitive anyways, but it's like, I've got so many different things running through my mind! IVF, school (which I have to admit, my sweet babies make me laugh and forget all my worries), stuff to take care of at home, etc. But it's all good now. Nothing a good ol' cry can't fix! :)

Luckily, that afternoon, we got the call -- everything is good to start!! Huge sigh of relief!!

So here goes Day 1... I will do my injections this evening (ahem, actually, Glenn will do them for me), but I also will start taking an antibiotic (Doxycycline) twice a day. Glenn has to take it too. We both do this for a week to make sure we are both as healthy as can be! I heard it makes you a little sick to your stomach. I'm going to take mine with breakfast this morning and wait awhile before heading to the gym. Just to make sure I'm good to go, hah! I also have to take baby aspirin which is supposed to help make the embryos stick. I actually started taking that as soon as I got my schedule last week.

I have my first appointment next Tuesday where they will just do labs. Wednesday is the exciting day where I'll have an ultrasound too. It's really neat to watch because now I know what I'm looking for. Glenn's off that morning so he will get to come with me to that appointment. They may decide to change my meds (how much) at that point. We'll just have to wait and see!

It's definitely going to be a busy week, but I've been ready for this for awhile. I'm hoping this is our beginning to starting our little family!