Postponed

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their sweet text messages, Facebook messages, phone calls, cards, emails, etc. You guys are all incredibly thoughtful and it means the world to me. I apologize for not responding to all of them, but please know that I did read them all. I just needed some time to process everything. I’m in a much better place today than I was on Sunday.

Our IVF cycle was cancelled Sunday afternoon. My estrogen levels were not going up like they should have been. The doctor I spoke with told me it would be best to just cancel that day and look into doing a month of hormone supplements. Of course I was devastated, but I think I knew going in that morning that something wasn’t right. It’s strange to have another doctor end everything and then to be left hanging.. wondering what is going to happen next. My sister got me out of the house later that afternoon and we went for a run. It was nice because she didn’t ask me anything about what had happened (I told her upfront I wasn’t ready to talk about it), but she told me all about her weekend activities. Finally I felt comfortable enough to try to talk about it and she just listened. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her just being there. J

By the time I got home, Glenn was home from work. We sat down and talked about what we thought our next step should be. I was very conflicted – I wasn’t sure if this was some kind of sign that we just needed to stop and pursue adoption. I asked Glenn what he felt God was saying and he told me this, “I feel like this is God’s way of saying the time isn’t right. This is not him saying, ‘no.’ He is just postponing it.” I asked him why he felt so strongly about this, and he said he feels like his Dad is trying to tell him this (his dad passed away several years ago). We thought we’d wait and see what our doctor had to say before making a final decision.

Monday morning felt like a daze, but I made it to work! I’m glad I did. It definitely gave me something else to think about and it’s very hard to be sad when you’ve got 24 sweet children smiling at you and telling you all about their weekends and counting on you to get them through the day!

Our doctor must have called as soon as he got in that morning because it was around 8:30. I knew I couldn’t handle talking to him at that moment so I let it go to voicemail. He was very nice and I could hear the concern in his voice. Again, I really do like him! He told me because of the birth control I took prior to this cycle AND the birth control I took with the LAST failed IUI cycle, my ovaries were suppressed TOO much and were not able to produce enough estrogen. If you’re estrogen isn’t going up, your follicles will not grow. Mine just weren’t budging. He told us this was nothing we did wrong, and it was something he would not even have predicted to happen. In fact, he told me he had never seen someone’s ovaries so suppressed before (leave it to my body to be stubborn, right? Stubbornness comes from my Dad). He said he wasn’t willing to give up and to give him a call ASAP if we were willing to try again.

Well, DUH. Of course I called him back as soon as I listened to his message. I talked to the nurse and she gave me a basic run down of what he told her about his “new plan.” Apparently they were going to take my “case” to their weekly doctors’ meeting and see what other feedback they could get. These people are ALL going to know me by name now, haha. She told me she would call either later today or Wednesday (after their meeting) to give me directions and a new calendar. I assumed I wouldn’t hear anything until later this week…

Well, I checked my phone at the end of the day and realized they had called back within an hour of getting off the phone with them! New plan in place… I’m starting a month of hormone supplements (to get back what my body isn’t producing). After my levels get back to where they should be, I’m good to go. I’ve got an estrogen patch, progesterone pills (to take midway through this cycle), and testosterone cream (I was assured I would NOT start growing a beard or huge muscles.. trust me, I asked. It’s “a very little amount” the nurse told me, as she laughed her head off.

So, here goes. This month wasn’t our month, but I am very hopeful that next month may be it. That hope is back and I do not feel so defeated. I was able to talk with Mom today and she agrees with Glenn – this is just not the right now. I may not see the reason now, but it will eventually make sense. Maybe one of my students will need me this month? Maybe something will happen with my Nana? We will have to see. But I am certain that God has big plans for us, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more certain about that. He is just taking his time to make that perfect baby for us – whether it IS biological or through adoption. I know Glenn and I will be parents… when God is ready. I just have to trust in Him.

And Glenn will probably be embarrassed I even brought this up to all of you, but he has been wonderful. I can’t imagine being married to anyone else. Through all of this, I feel like our marriage has just gotten stronger and I love him more every day. Even though he does leave his dirty dishes all around the house, I am glad that God put us together to take this journey. I know he is going to be an amazing Daddy and I cannot wait to see him take on that role. Of course, we may have to have a Baby 101 first. J

I love y’all.